In my last post, I thought about the fact that we might be growing in love and the fruit of the Spirit, and yet aspects of our personalities grow slowly or resist growth. We need to be kind to ourselves and others if we perceive faults and flaws; God may be maturing us in faith, hope and love, even though personality flaws and struggles remain.
Feeling spiritually "dry," I was leafing through another favorite book, Robert J. Wicks' Touching the Holy: Ordinariness, Self-Esteem, and Friendship (Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, 1992, 2007). I found a page which I'd already dogearred. Wicks talks about the fact that many of us have somewhat fragile egos, even though we seek to grow in God's love all the while. He tells a story on himself that he was deeply offended by a rude person on the phone who had said, self-importantly, "This is the Reverend..." But a friend asked why he was so upset by the call. Wicks realized that his own big ego had caused him to be offended at the person's pompous and curt tone. His own fragile self-image had caused him to let the person have power over his mood (p. 21).
Wicks goes on with a quote from Henri Nouwen, who had been deeply hurt over some rejection and was ruminating the experience. A friend helped him see that, although he might have had reason to feel hurt, he (Nouwen) was hurt out of proportion to the event--and, in fact, the people whom had made him feel that way were not that important to him.
Nouwen reflected that he did have a hidden need for "total affection" and "full acceptance" which he brought into even small experiences--but unfortunately, a "small rejection" might thereby lead to "a devastating despair and a feeling of total failure." (p. 22, quoting Genesee Diary, New York, Doubleday, 1976, pp. 51-52).
This resonated with me, as I too nurse sad feelings at slights and criticisms. I've grown tremendously in this area over the years, but I still have to talk myself through certain circumstances when I fall into sadness and feelings of unimportance. (I was feeling downcast and self-doubtful about my teaching one day when I checked my email and discovered I'd been voted the graduating seniors' favorite teacher; one's feelings don't always match up at all with reality!) It's one thing to be sad when someone important to us treats us rudely, but sometimes (and certainly with me) we feel hurt by the opinion of people who just aren't that close or important to us. That Henri Nouwen---whom I met years ago and whose books are filled with brilliant spiritual insights---dealt with a sad, fragile ego was very reassuring!
Wicks goes on to say that, if we have a good balanced view of our own "ordinariness," we needn't give others so much power over us--and we can be strong enough to deal with conflicts in a manner between being overly nice, and being rude in return (pp. 22-24)
In general, we "continually fail to see that the chance for real joy is wrapped in unexamined anger, apathy, and confusion," and our peace is similarly "shrouded in a fog of anxiety and preoccupation." But he encourages us to get out of those things in order to find and enjoy God. Understanding prayer as having a "dynamic interpersonal aspect" is key--it's "a journey into a deeper encounter with the living God" (p. 53).
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