Blue Christmases

My mother passed away on September 30th, and during the subsequent weeks I wondered how the holidays would be. While I had autumn days of feeling horrible, I haven’t done too badly in December. I think that’s partly because I’ve been busy with the semester’s end, and also I’ve tried not to fight the sad feelings when they come; I’ll take a walk (or a nap, LOL), and pace myself through a rough day. Fortunately my work allows for this; if I were still in a job where I had to be "on" all the time, I'd be struggling. I also paced the holidays. For instance, for the first and probably last time, I worked on Christmas cards in November, so that I wouldn’t have that pressure in December. (We send about 120 cards each year.)

But an empty feeling stops me a few times each day. Something interesting happens during the day and I automatically think that I’ll tell my mother----but, no, I won’t. Also, I think about when we can drive over and visit her during the holidays, and I remember again that I'm in a habit of thinking that no longer reflects reality. This morning, getting ready for church, I felt blue and edgy, not wanting to see people very badly. Later, I felt draggy and clumsy, but rallied by the evening.

The fact that Mom has gained the promises of eternal life helps me stay oriented on the religious hope, which is a vast source of comfort. Mom was 93 and very frail. I freely admit that if I were suffering a different kind of grief this season----like the loss of a much younger person, etc.---I would also be struggling spiritually. In fact, a friend has been dealing with "stuff" this month, which in turn has made me wonder to God why some of us have to face adversity. God's promises are true, but much about life we don't understand, and struggle is part of our journey.    

I figured that the internet would have resources on grief and loss during the holidays. Sure enough, there are many. This piece has several ideas for acknowledging your loss and helping yourself during this time. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/22/grief-and-loss-holidays_n_2346372.html#slide=1912741

This piece also concerns ways to deal with grief and loss over the holidays.
http://www.newswise.com/articles/handling-grief-during-the-holidays

This piece was interesting because it concerns congregations that have “Blue Christmas services” http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/21/blue-christmas-grief/1785833/  It’s good to work on grief within a religious context, but when you’re down, a very upbeat church service can feel hurtful and exhausting. An intentional effort of congregations to address the needs of the grieving, as these congregations are doing, can be so helpful.

With Christmas Day fast approaching, I need to think of a few, creative ways to interweave the loss of Mom with the holiday. One thing I’ve already done is to mostly avoid the popular Christmas music---and the sometimes painful nostalgia of loved ones and home---with classical religious music that focuses on Advent and Christmas hope. I think I’ll also make an effort to call some friends tomorrow and Tuesday, especially those for whom the day may be lonely or distressing. Some kind of informal ritual in remembrance of both my parents would be good to incorporate into the observance.

What are some things that help you when you're feeling grief, especially over the holidays?