Friendships

Catching up with devotional periodicals after several days of missing the readings, I liked the lessons for two days ago, May 31. That lesson concerned the visitation of Mary to the home of Elizabeth. One author commented how wonderful that Mary had a friend who understood her extraordinary situation.

It’s a wonderful thing to have good friendships. I value good friends; but some folks don't. I once knew a person (actually a very pleasant personality) who admitted, "I'm a lousy friend!" And she was, even though she was a caring person. She just focused her time and commitments elsewhere. Friendships do take time and commitment.

Like anything else, you put your energies into the things you care about the most---and sustaining friendships may not be your high priority. You can also be (or think you are) too busy to give time to friends. You can shift your focus once in a while, if you choose; for instance, writing this entry reminds me that I need to call some friends to whom I've not given time lately. "Given time"--friendship is a gift, and keeping friends requires giving.

In the book Uncommon Friendships (Mariner Books, 1989), James Newton describes his friendships with Thomas Edison, Harvey Firestone, Henry Ford, Alex Carrel, and Charles Lindbergh. He recounts life-lessons that he learned from these men and their families, but I was struck by a comment about the author early in the book, “With Jim, personal relationships come first.”

I try to be that kind of person, and people have told me that they’re amazed how I keep in touch with friends. I worry that I don’t do enough; I used to be a faithful letter-writer but now I’m pretty much an emailer and a devotee of Facebook, which I think is a wonderful way to keep in touch and support one another in “real time.” Some folks complain about the empty nature of the virtual world compared to the real world.  But for me, Facebook has been a blessing, allowing me to be in touch with people whom I like but whom I normally wouldn’t see or contact (classmates who have long since moved, former students, etc.). The wonderful thing about that site is that you can give people support “in real time” when they need it most, for instance when they experience a loss or celebrate an accomplishment.  For instance, about fifty friends responded with congratulations and good wishes when I posted our daughter’s college graduation pictures recently. (Speaking of my daughter, she's currently going through the pain of moving away from college friends. She has online and video resources for keeping in touch that I could've only dreamed about as a young person, although the pain of moving is still very much there.)

One lovely blessing about being a middle-aged person (in my mid-50s now) is seeing how friendships have endured over time. I’m thrilled to still be in touch with divinity school classmates from thirty years ago (we attended the opera with one of my classmates, in fact, just the other day).  Thanks to Facebook, I’m newly in touch with some people I liked in college, high school, and even grade school (including my first grade teacher, who helped us kids when President Kennedy was killed).

I've better friendships now than at other, discouraging times in my life. I look back on one period of our lives, when we lived in a certain city, and I feel so sad how few friendships I had there. I put my heart out there, but everyone seemed impatient and busy. I remember we invited some people from church over to our home and just one or two came, and none of the others even expressed regrets. Thank goodness the next period of our lives, in another community, were filled with friendships---including two of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Something I deeply regret is that I’ve had few friendships with fellow clergy. There were times I reached out to certain fellow pastors in friendship and I was chagrined to realize there was no understanding and, in a couple of occasions, disapproval. My limited experience is that clergy are poor friends for one another (although many clergy I’ve known crave friendship). Thus I cherish the two or three clergy friendships I do have, where there is genuine empathy, confidentiality, and caring. There may be too much competition and pressure in your vocation, and your best friendships grow in other ways.

It can also be a painful thing for a close friendship to wither. I don’t even want to talk about the death of a friend, which is a horrible loss. Notoriously, couple-friendships are very fragile.  When my wife’s first husband died, she was no longer a couple and no longer had her former social life. If your couple friends break up, you feel like you have to choose which one to remain friends with----but that may not work, either, because all your memories and experiences have been the things you did as a four-way friendship. Some of my best friendships were sadly limited to particular times and places; once we moved on, the ties just weren’t there anymore. Sometimes you feel like you have a good friend in a certain, possibly difficult circumstance, but once the circumstance has passed, you can’t regain the former closeness. (A good book that can help with transitions is Praying Our Goodbyes by Joyce Rupp, OSM: Ave Maria Press, 1988.)

On the other hand, I’ve one friend whom I met only once, in 1983, and we’re still in touch over all these years! So many people enter and leave our lives, casually and profoundly. Why do some friendships last and others don't? The philosopher Martin Buber wrote about the rapport between people (he used different, philosophical terms like Begegnung, “the I-Thou encounter,” “the event of meeting,” etc.) that brings us out of the objectivity of the everyday world into an event of mutual respect and affirmation. You could push that idea a little and say: sometimes that “event” of friendship is limited to a certain time, and sometimes the rapport lasts a long time. What makes the difference?

The benefits of friendship are obvious. A few years ago, our pastor (one of the good friends I mentioned above) preached a fine sermon on friendship, based on Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help. Again, if two lie together, they keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone? And though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Friendship provides companionship. But there is also the happiness of caring for a particular person,  the happiness of knowing that a particular person cares for you, even if you don't happen to need tangible assistance at the moment.  Thus I'm always a little astounded (and fearful about my own failures) at how careless certain people can be toward friends. Don't you want other people to think of you and immediately feel happy, safe, and loved?

Galatians 6:1-5 is another good scripture. My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ. For if those who are nothing think they are something, they deceive themselves. All must test their own work; then that work, rather than their neighbour’s work, will become a cause for pride. For all must carry their own loads.

In other words, we all have times when we stumble, and we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. But that doesn't mean we have to face life alone: in fact, a sign of true Christianity is the gentleness and care we show toward one another, the willingness to help one another through difficult times.

To paraphrase Paul here, if you have the Holy Spirit, then you're a good friend! If you're not a good friend ... I hate to say you don't have the Spirit, but you may be missing out on some of the Spirit’s richest blessings.

Churches face a difficult balance between being outward- and inward-looking. As all the church-growth pundits say, a congregation must be mission-oriented and concern for the percentages of people in the area who have no church-based relationship to God. On the other hand, those people are hypothetical members, and meanwhile the actual members may not be treating one another as positively as they should. Such folk would do well to work on being better friends to one another, serving one another's needs, and then to reach out to the community. After all, you'd want your church to be a place people would want to attend!  If pastoral and lay leaders can create circumstances in congregations for healthy (rather than dysfunctional) friendships, interconnectedness and support, then great things may happen.

Years ago a friend gave me a plaque that read, "A friend is there before you know it, to lend a hand before you ask it, and give you love just when you need it most."  A good reminder for any day!  Certainly Elizabeth was that kind of friend to Mary----and the Holy Spirit embraced them both.