Listen to advice and accept instruction [from a trusted companion]
that you may gain wisdom for the future (Prov. 19:20)
Happy are those
who do not follow the advice of the wicked,
or take the path that sinners tread,
or sit in the seat of scoffers (Ps. 1:1)
Make no friends with those given to anger,
and do not associate with hotheads (Prov. 22:24)
But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother or sister who is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or robber. Do not even eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging those outside? Is it not those who are inside that you are to judge? God will judge those outside. "Drive out the wicked person from among you." (1 Cor. 5:11-13)
Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? What agreement does Christ have with Beliar? Or what does a believer share with an unbeliever? (2 Cor. 6:14-15)
This is one of those truths that we find among religious traditions. For instance, the Qur’an (4:69) teaches:
And whoever obeys Allah and the Messenger [the prophet Muhammad]---those will be with the ones upon whom Allah has bestowed favor of the prophets, the steadfast affirmers of truth, the martyrs and the righteous. And excellent are those as companions.
A Buddhist scripture, the Dhammapada (6:78), teaches this: One should not associate with bad friends, nor with the vile. One should associate with good friends, and with those who are noble.
I don’t seek the council of these kinds of teachings so often these days, but I certainly agree with them! Your friends may not be leading you to manufacture meth or to cheat on your spouse or take money or other awful things, but your life can really be shaped by people with whom you associate.
Not only do people lead you the wrong way in life, becoming trusted confidantes who turned out to be untrustworthy and harmful. People also shape your life depending on how they support you, build you up, and help you in your time of need. We all have held onto people in our lives who were not that way, or who were that way but inconsistently. Hindsight is always clearer than our situation at the time.
As you grow, you realize that certain personalities are not compatible with yours. I try not to have acquaintances who are very strong willed, nor people who are fault-finding and critical, who scrutinize my words and actions, nor folks who engage in put-down humor. Certain people are “on” all the time, and I find that tiring. It's not that I dislike such folks (though sometimes I do!). It's just that I've learned from experience that friendships with these kinds of persons tend to be less "successful" friends compared to folks with other kinds of personalities.
(On the other hand----to contradict myself, I guess----the dynamics of friendship don't necessarily follow compatibility. I've lots of friends with whom I don't share certain common interests and personality traits, and many of them are great friends! If you love each other, respect each other's interests, and are "there" for each other, then compatibility doesn't necessarily matter much. You have a connection and rapport, you trust each other; you have a mutual desire to make time to be in contact, no matter how busy "life" is otherwise. Plus, compatible friends can disappoint! I had a good, very compatible friend once, who said she'd invite us over for dinner soon then I never heard from her again, and she never responded to my calls. Later, someone told me that she was terrible at returning calls, so I just gave up.)
I once had an acquaintance who liked to tease people then covered the down-puting things he said with remarks like, “Oh, you’re so sensitive!” I realized (again, in 20/20 hindsight) that he really lowered my self-esteem and I should’ve figured out ways at the time to deal with my feelings, instead of being buffaloed by his retorts. Your life can really be shaped by people with whom you associate, more than you realize at the time, because they change your feelings about yourself and that effects many other aspects of your life.
Paul talks about associating with ‘believers,” but not all Christian people are folks you may have anything in common with, and some of them may be difficult people, too. They’re human, after all. Think of all the Christians you've known who are "hotheads" (to use the Proverbs 22:24 word), for instance. None of us are perfect and we’re not all compatible with each other. So just because someone is Christian doesn’t mean you're going to be friends with them.
As a younger Christian I tried to find friendships among other Christians, and I thought there was something wrong with me that I didn’t have many friends, and some of those friendships weren’t very happy. I was naive and thought that “Christian” meant friendship-compatibility, which it doesn’t! What I needed (and did find as time went on) were Christian friends (any kind of friend, really: some of my best friends over the years have not been Christians) who believed in me and built me up, and vice versa.
Something I’ve noticed is that when you have one or two “complainers” in a friendship group or collegial group, then the whole group can become very negative. Bitchiness is contagious! This is a very bad situation in a church (or any organization, really) because the negativity, the identification and and nurturing of grudges and complaints, begins to have a poisoning effect on everybody. It’s a real hazard of certain kinds of church small groups. The strong, contagious effects of negativity is one of the reasons the scriptures teach us to select our companions well.
There is a Swedish saying that describes the best kind of friend and, in fact, unintentionally describes God’s love, too:
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
But remember: if you want that kind of friendship, you have to be that kind of friend, too!
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