Lent and Reconciliation

We had communion at our church last Sunday. Matthew 5:23-24 was not one of the scriptures, but it’s one that has always been important to me:

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.

Although I tend to think of this scripture connected to the Eucharist, the passage actually refers to the practice of presenting an offering in the Temple. The point is a very Jewish one: human relations take precedence over religious observance, even (in Jesus’ time) something as crucial as sacrifice. As a Jewish acquaintance put it another way: if you have a choice of going to Yom Kippur service or taking someone to the hospital, you take the person to the hospital, a more important thing than even worship on the year’s holiest day.

This passage from Matthew is important to me because my grandmother---who could be hardheaded and stubborn---nevertheless tried to reconcile with people and took the initiative to do so. That was a strong, tacit witness to me when I was young, and I wanted to live my Christian life in a similar way as she.

But reconciling with people can be difficult, depending on the circumstance. That’s because we’re all very different kinds of people, with different personality dynamics, and different comfort levels of pride and guardedness. Christ calls us to love one another, and when we love, we make ourselves vulnerable. On the other hand, we still need to have common sense, self-knowledge, and wisdom regarding human nature. When I was a very new Christian, I claimed this scripture as a promise: if I followed it with a sincere heart and obedience to Christ, God would heal the situation. But that was a wrong expectation: God can certainly heal situations, but not necessary according to my perception or my sense of timing.

A very important thing about this Matthew passage is that it isn’t supposed to be a “rule” from a long-ago teacher, to be followed because we “should” whether our heart are into it or not. Jesus is our living Lord and constant companion who is guiding and helping us right now as we follow his teachings, not a teacher who is far removed from us. So we need to be prayerful when we seek to reconcile with others, and to seek Christ’s guidance and presence, both with ourselves and the other person. We need to seek God’s will in the situation, just as we’d seek God’s will in other kinds of things.

To seek Christ’s guidance and presence means that we might have to look for a proper occasion where reconciliation is possible and “timed” well. A while back, my wife and I had a spontaneous conversation with someone with whom some tension had existed---none of us had intended to talk about the subject but it came up naturally and “the air was cleared” very well. Martin Buber talked about the “event” of two people connecting with one another (encounter, Begegnung). It’s wonderful when that event of “encounter” happens, and we can seek to be sensitive to Christ's leading and serendipity.

Even when the timing is right, the reconciliation may not happen. I remember having coffee with a relative, several years ago, because I was tired of the person’s harsh treatment of me. The air needed clearing. I was open and honest and not down-putting, but the person didn’t treat me any better. I felt bitter and hurt. But not long afterward, the person scolded me on the phone and I blew up---something I very rarely do----and somehow, that made the relationship thereafter better! I'm not saying that yelling at someone makes things better, LOL. But as I said earlier, we’re all different kinds of persons, and reconciliation can take different and surprising forms.

I think we also have to be careful about our motives when we try to reconcile with someone. It would be very easy to be passive-aggressive in our efforts, communicating not love but a subtle superiority: “You hurt my feelings but I’m a good Christian person and so look how wonderful I am to take the initiative to reconcile with you.” It might not even be intentionally passive-aggression: lots of us, including myself, dislike confrontation, and so we have a hard time knowing how best to deal with a disagreement or misunderstanding. We might not even have the correct "take" on the situation. I've held off seeking reconciliation with certain people because I knew I wasn't sure how best to talk about, or even exactly what had gone wrong, and I didn't want to sound unintentionally "pious"---snobbish in my kindness, so to speak.

It might not be possible to reconcile with someone. Romans 12:18 famously reads, “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Once again, we need to have wisdom and common sense, and most of all we need to let Christ and his Holy Spirit to continue to work in that situation----it’s not all up to us. Remember the beautiful story of Jacob and Esau; Jacob expected the worst and hoped at least to appease his brother, but during all those years Esau’s heart had softened and he welcomed his scheming, imperfect brother, with a love comparable to the Prodigal Son’s father (Genesis 32-33). God had worked in the heart of Jacob, too.

I’m convinced that many times, when we offer ourselves at God’s eucharistic altar, we need to leave difficult interpersonal situations there, too. That can be a powerful way to be true to Christ’s teachings in Matthew 5:23-24.