Doing some studying of Buddhism for a fall course, I came upon this quotation from the Buddhist nun and author Pema Chödröm, where she explains a term used by her teacher, Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche, "shenpa," which can be translated "attachment" but has additional meanings.
"Here is an everyday example of shenpa. Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens—that's the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we're talking about where it touches that sore place— that's a shenpa. Someone criticizes you—they criticize your work, they criticize your appearance, they criticize your child— and, shenpa: almost co-arising." (Source: http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/shenpa3a.php)
This quotation struck me because "attaching" one's inner well-being to the harsh words of others, at least sometimes, is a psychological and spiritual struggle for many people, including myself. I identified this personal trait many years ago and have developed several positive strategies to deal with it, if not altogether remove it. How fun to see one's feelings explained as a common problem shared by others!
Chödröm's thoughts made me think of this quote from Touching the Holy: Ordinariness, Self-Esteem, and Friendship by Robert J. Wicks (Sorin Books, 2007). This passage has been one of my recent positive strategies to keep things in perspective when I'm blue about something. Wicks notes:
"We need to recognize that it is not 'the end of the world,' 'terribly sinful,' or 'catastrophic' if:
* Someone is angry with me;
* I made a mistake;
* Some people see some of my actions as failures;
* I don't work as hard at everything I do;
* I temporarily avoid some problem;
* Others are better at what they do than I am;
* Some people misunderstand my intentions or don't like me;
* Certain individuals don't take me seriously or may even laugh at me;
* Persons say negative things about me to my face or behind my back.
"The above instances are merely annoyances. In fact, they are good opportunities to practice clear thinking as a means of supporting self-respect....We need to recall that all religious figures, presidents, educators, business executives, philanthropists--no matter what their stature or giftedness---fail badly at times and are not accepted by everyone...
"God creates people with inherent value. So no mistake, failure, loss of image, exaggerated thinking or hurtful comments by others can take away or destroy this reality. We must stubbornly hold onto this fact of faith every day for ourselves, for others, and in gratitude for being made in God's image" (pp. 94-96).
Wick thus provides an excellent way for Christians to avoid being "hooked" by the trap of being hurt by criticism and rejection: we daily and stubbornly hold on to God's love and our God-given inherent value.
Holding onto a sense of God-given value doesn't mean we'll never make mistakes or be criticized! That may seem obvious, but it's not: too many people, including Christians, have a "my way or the highway" approach to life because of their sense of God-given value and calling! We also may gain a sense of God-given identity but remain as thin-skinned as ever. As we hold to God's love we must be wary of other subtle, selfish mental habits.
Wick gives a clue to avoiding these habits, though, which is to hold onto our God-given value not only for ourselves but for others, too. This, too, is a common error: people find help in Christ's love for their low self-esteem but they remain harsh and fault-finding. They didn't seem to see that other people needed a fresh, healing sense of God's love as much as they do---or they assume that was someone else's challenge.
But that sharing that God-given value---also known as sharing God's love---is in turn a way that we find healing for our own struggles. Honestly, it's a wonderful source of joy and satisfaction to see that you've tangibly helped someone via God's love! Ephesians 4:12-16 is a good scripture in this regard:
....to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ. We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery [or their criticism!], by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love.
On a related note concerning people's sense of inner well-being.... Another favorite scripture is Hebrews 13:1-3, where the struggles of other people become, in a way, your own. We all have different things that "push our buttons." I once met a person with underdeveloped arms and hands, who said he was less anxious about his disability than he was about being criticized for his poor spelling! If another person's "buttons" are not our own, or if those buttons seem odd to us, we're likely to react with dismissal: "how foolish you are to feel like that!" But sharing God's love means that God understands all difficult human feelings and wants us to be empathetic in Christ's name:
Let mutual love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it. Remember those who are in prison, as though you were in prison with them; those who are being tortured, as though you yourselves were being tortured.
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